Playing the infinite game

Warping myself out of the corporate world and into the world of free agents

Hello everyone, I’m back!

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You’re receiving this because, at some point, somewhere, you opted to receive emails from me, Cécile. That may have been via this newsletter, which used to be called On Sabbatical, or via another newsletter called Behind the Scenes.

I've decided to merge these channels so I could do all of my writing in one place. Do feel free to unsubscribe if you're not happy about this! There's a link at the bottom of this email.

I've also decided to rename this newsletter to 'Newsletter C' (for now) to allow myself to write about anything I'm interested in or feel excited about, for example:

• work sabbaticals and our evolving relationship to work

• what individuals can do to have a hugely positive impact in big organisations

• systemic change in organisations, sectors and society

• my transition in the world of free agents and creators

My intention is to publish 500-1,000 word notes on things I'm thinking about, when I feel like I have something valuable to share. Probably weekly or fortnightly.

Thank you to those who are choosing to give me your continued attention. To those who are choosing not to, thank you for having given me your attention in the past and for honouring your desire to focus it elsewhere now.

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A month ago, I decided to leave a 14-year career of employed work to navigate the world as a self-employed free agent.

Making the decision to quit was hard. Harder than deciding to go on a extended sabbatical from work in 2022.

I felt like I was leaving safety for freedom.

The part of me that likes to feel safe really didn't want to let go of the comfort of having money drop into my bank account every month. It also didn't want to give up on the comfort that comes with being told what to do, rather than having to figure everything out on my own even on days where I don't feel like doing it.

But another part of me longed for the freedom to work where and when I wanted, on things that were fully aligned with what I wanted to do. It also felt super excited at the idea of creating a version of myself that had the agency to focus my attention and creative energy on things I feel curious about.

Choosing freedom felt like levelling up as a human being, at least on my timeline.

I'd successfully played the corporate game for 14 years, I was ready to warp myself from the corporate world into the world of free agents and creators.

So I quit.

It probably took me three months to make the decision to quit, and once I'd quit I still had to work another three months to honour my notice period.

Turns out leaving constrained safety for free uncertainty ended up making my last three months at work feel more like an emotional rollercoaster full of paradoxes rather than a smooth exit. Every time I attended a deeply inefficient meeting or was unable to go outside when the sun was shining, the part of me who was craving freedom would feel both deeply disrespected and comforted that I'd made the right decision by quitting. And every time I got into a pure work flow of interesting work, or achieved something really cool, I’d feel both elated and anguished that I wouldn't get to run important projects like this once I'd left.

I left work on a Monday, and on Tuesday I woke up at 06:00 with huge feelings of anxiety and feeling a crushing pressure to already be the successful free agent I had imagined myself to be. I had a hard time calming the part of me that was freaking out.

It took three weeks of transition—a week of anxiety, a week of co-living with friends in Spain, and a week of being ill—before I started feeling like I'd landed in this new world properly and relatively peacefully.

A couple of things helped hugely in bringing me peace of mind.

First, I'd been thinking about what I wanted to work on as a free agent for a while but all the ideas kept bouncing around in my head in an unhelpful and unfocused way. I took an afternoon to capture them in a very simple (analogue) vision board which now has three work pillars, why each pillar is important to me, and what my ambitions are for each pillar, practically.

Doing this cleared my head but it also gave free rein to the manager inside of me to want to start making progress, ideally by working on everything at the same time.

This is where the second piece of the puzzle comes in: Steward Brand's exquisite book 'The Clock of the Long Now', a collection of thoughtful and thought-provoking essays that promote long-term thinking and responsibility.

In chapter 25, Brand introduces the concept of finite vs infinite games, a concept he adopted from James P. Carse, a professor of religion at New York University.

According to Carse, "a finite game is played for the purpose of winning the game, an infinite game for the purpose of continuing to play the game”. Football, elections and most of business are finite games that people want to win. Gardening and family are infinite games where winning or losing isn't a thing.

As I was reading, I realised a couple of things.

First, I'd spent the past seven years of my life working for a company dedicated to playing an infinite societal game (decreasing carbon emission down to zero and then maintaining them there so humanity can flourish alongside the environment) but to do that, teams had to play a series of never-ending and intense finite games (building new electricity markets or deciding what electricity cables needed to be installed where) which were using up their energy levels fast.

I then realised that being a free agent had now become one of the infinite games I wanted to play. Of course, I'll also play finite games like building a new course module, or doing some freelance work, but I'll play those in service of the infinite game of 'being a free agent'. But in order for this to be sustainable, I need the corporate manager inside of me to stop yelling at me to Achieve More Finite Games or I'll exhaust myself, similarly to when I played my employer’s finite games.

Brand’s words and ideas seem to have come at the most opportune time because the manager in me disappeared (almost) immediately.

Looks like I lost it in the portal between the two worlds.

Now that I’ve warped myself safely into the world of free agent I now get to choose what I’m motivated by, now that there is no salary, no bonus, and no promotions.

And I choose to have fun.

As long as I have fun I'll want to keep going, and the game carries on.

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More about sabbaticals: whether you're thinking of going on an extended break from work or you’ve already taken the leap, you are right in the middle of an experience that can transform your life in a truly meaningful way. It’s exciting of course, but it can also feel scary, lonely and a bit overwhelming at times.

I’ve created two playbooks to help you on your journey:

• Thinking of a sabbatical will give you everything you need to consciously decide if going on an extended break from work is the right move for you

• On Sabbatical is a self-paced digital experience with insight, structure and resources to turn your sabbatical into a life-changing experience